DEDE joke corner
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DEDE joke corner
by Dede Thu Jul 23, 2009 9:56 pm
Well most of mine in kiddos but ima make my own hehehe so here's some more
A Brit, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a Texan are flying in a plane. Suddenly, the plane starts to go down, and the pilot announces that if three jump, the fourth can be saved. The Brit stands up, yells "God save the Queen" and jumps to his death. The Frenchman then stands up, saying "Viva la France!" and jumps after the Englishmen. The Texan stands up, bellows "Remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican out of the plane.
The kings of Britain, France, and Spain all get together to determine which country is best by the size of the king's wedding tackle. The king of France goes first, and after opening his robes to the mass of people, Viva la France! is proclaimed! The king of Spain goes next, and an even louder Viva la Espana is heard. Finally, the English king drops his drawers, and the crowd shouts "God Save The Queen!!!!"
A Republican, a Democrat, and Bill Clinton are traveling when a tornado suddenly comes along and whirls them into the air. When they eventually come down, they realize they're in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard. "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain" says the Democrat. "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart" says the Republican. Clinton says, "Where's Dorthy?"
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked,
he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****.
A Brit, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a Texan are flying in a plane. Suddenly, the plane starts to go down, and the pilot announces that if three jump, the fourth can be saved. The Brit stands up, yells "God save the Queen" and jumps to his death. The Frenchman then stands up, saying "Viva la France!" and jumps after the Englishmen. The Texan stands up, bellows "Remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican out of the plane.
The kings of Britain, France, and Spain all get together to determine which country is best by the size of the king's wedding tackle. The king of France goes first, and after opening his robes to the mass of people, Viva la France! is proclaimed! The king of Spain goes next, and an even louder Viva la Espana is heard. Finally, the English king drops his drawers, and the crowd shouts "God Save The Queen!!!!"
A Republican, a Democrat, and Bill Clinton are traveling when a tornado suddenly comes along and whirls them into the air. When they eventually come down, they realize they're in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard. "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain" says the Democrat. "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart" says the Republican. Clinton says, "Where's Dorthy?"
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked,
he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****.
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Re: DEDE joke corner
by Dede Thu Jul 23, 2009 10:01 pm
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed. < /SPAN>
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey sa id: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's fami ly. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the l ast ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed. < /SPAN>
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey sa id: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's fami ly. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the l ast ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
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Re: DEDE joke corner
by Dede Thu Jul 23, 2009 10:36 pm
Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Re: DEDE joke corner
by Dede Thu Jul 23, 2009 10:39 pm
Did you know that you respawn in a hospital after u get drunk and pass out?
not sure if you drop your stuffs though, unless you have a red name for pking in the tavern, but usually taverns are arena rules
not sure if you drop your stuffs though, unless you have a red name for pking in the tavern, but usually taverns are arena rules
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Re: DEDE joke corner
by Dede Thu Jul 23, 2009 10:50 pm
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago . The little boy (who had been looking out the window turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'Yes, she did.' 'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'Yes, she did.' 'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
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Re: DEDE joke corner
by Dede Thu Jul 23, 2009 11:07 pm
A business man is going to Florida for a business meeting, where his wife will join him for a romantic vacation the next day. When he gets to his hotel, he quickly writes his beloved a quick note, but in his haste accidentally mistyping the adress, sending it to the widow of a dead pastor.
"My beloved wife,
I just got checked in here. Everything is nice, and the boss seems great. Look forward to your arrival tomorrow.
Love, Your husband.
P.S. It sure is hot down here!"
Three nuns are talking. The first says, "I was cleaning Father's room the other day and I found a bunch of pornographic magazines! I threw them straight in the can." The second nun says, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away laundry and I found a pack of condoms!" "Oh my!, gasps the first nun, "So what did you do?" "I poked holes in them," replies the second nun. "Oh ****!" says the third nun.
"My beloved wife,
I just got checked in here. Everything is nice, and the boss seems great. Look forward to your arrival tomorrow.
Love, Your husband.
P.S. It sure is hot down here!"
Three nuns are talking. The first says, "I was cleaning Father's room the other day and I found a bunch of pornographic magazines! I threw them straight in the can." The second nun says, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away laundry and I found a pack of condoms!" "Oh my!, gasps the first nun, "So what did you do?" "I poked holes in them," replies the second nun. "Oh ****!" says the third nun.
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Re: DEDE joke corner
by Dede Thu Jul 23, 2009 11:08 pm
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
________________________________
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
_______________________________
Why does someone
believeyou when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
________________________________
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
________________________________
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
________________________________
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
________________________________
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
________________________________
If people evolved from apes,
whyare there still apes?
________________________________
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
________________________________
Is there ever a day that mattresses
arenot on sale?
________________________________
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
________________________________
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
________________________________
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
________________________________
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
________________________________
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
________________________________
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
________________________________
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
_______________________________
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
________________________________
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
_______________________________
Why does someone
believeyou when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
________________________________
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
________________________________
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
________________________________
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
________________________________
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
________________________________
If people evolved from apes,
whyare there still apes?
________________________________
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
________________________________
Is there ever a day that mattresses
arenot on sale?
________________________________
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
________________________________
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
________________________________
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
________________________________
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
________________________________
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
________________________________
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
________________________________
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
_______________________________
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
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Age : 31
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Re: DEDE joke corner
by Dede Thu Jul 23, 2009 11:12 pm
took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response;knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response;knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Re: DEDE joke corner
by Dede Thu Jul 23, 2009 11:14 pm
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in West Virginia.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb
blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair
and starts shouting:
'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think
you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have
to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women
like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching
our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in
general...and all in the name of humor!!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells;
'You stay out of this mister!!! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee!
[b]
show in a small town in West Virginia.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb
blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair
and starts shouting:
'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think
you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have
to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women
like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching
our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in
general...and all in the name of humor!!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells;
'You stay out of this mister!!! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee!
[b]
Dede- TamerUniv Novice
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Age : 31
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Re: DEDE joke corner
by Dede Thu Jul 23, 2009 11:17 pm
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,
"Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause,
Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs And knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy
Thats Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."
A few minutes later The little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it, Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?" He asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser And now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window And into the swimming pool. But I
guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? .............
Is this 486-5731?"
No, I think you have the wrong number.......
"Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause,
Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs And knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy
Thats Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."
A few minutes later The little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it, Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?" He asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser And now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window And into the swimming pool. But I
guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? .............
Is this 486-5731?"
No, I think you have the wrong number.......
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Re: DEDE joke corner
by Dede Thu Jul 23, 2009 11:29 pm
op 10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren’t
10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph’s Honker!
7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.
2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.
John -- Ah... At last. I can hardly wait!
Jane -- Do you want me to leave?
John -- NO! Don't even think about it.
Jane -- Do you love me?
John -- Of course! Always have and always will.
Jane -- Have you ever cheated on me?
John -- NO! Why are you even asking?
Jane -- Will you kiss me?
John -- Every chance I get!
Jane -- Will you ever hit me?
John -- Hell No! Are you crazy?!
Jane -- Can I trust you?
John -- Yes
Jane -- Oh, Darling!
After Marriage...
Read from the bottom back to the top.
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as
her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He
immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping
his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened
his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied:
'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It
Seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used
To come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling
Me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.
They stopped that crap after I started doing the
Same thing to them at funerals...
HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2008
>
> Scenario 1:
> Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
> 1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
> 2008 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
>
>
> Scenario 2:
> Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
> 1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
> 2008 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
>
>
> Scenario 3:
> Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
< div>
> 1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
> 2008 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.
>
> Scenario 4:
> Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
>
> 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
> 2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
>
>
> Scenario 5:
> Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirins to school.
> 1957 - Mark shares his aspirins with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
> 2008 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
>
> Scenario 6:
> Pedro fails high school English.
> 1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
>
> 2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
> Scenario 7:
> Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane and blows up a red ant bed.
> 1957 - Ants die.
>
> 2008- ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
> Scenario 8:
> Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
> 1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.< /FONT>
> 2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph’s Honker!
7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.
2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.
John -- Ah... At last. I can hardly wait!
Jane -- Do you want me to leave?
John -- NO! Don't even think about it.
Jane -- Do you love me?
John -- Of course! Always have and always will.
Jane -- Have you ever cheated on me?
John -- NO! Why are you even asking?
Jane -- Will you kiss me?
John -- Every chance I get!
Jane -- Will you ever hit me?
John -- Hell No! Are you crazy?!
Jane -- Can I trust you?
John -- Yes
Jane -- Oh, Darling!
After Marriage...
Read from the bottom back to the top.
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as
her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He
immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping
his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened
his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied:
'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It
Seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used
To come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling
Me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.
They stopped that crap after I started doing the
Same thing to them at funerals...
HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2008
>
> Scenario 1:
> Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
> 1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
> 2008 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
>
>
> Scenario 2:
> Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
> 1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
> 2008 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
>
>
> Scenario 3:
> Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
< div>
> 1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
> 2008 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.
>
> Scenario 4:
> Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
>
> 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
> 2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
>
>
> Scenario 5:
> Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirins to school.
> 1957 - Mark shares his aspirins with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
> 2008 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
>
> Scenario 6:
> Pedro fails high school English.
> 1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
>
> 2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
> Scenario 7:
> Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane and blows up a red ant bed.
> 1957 - Ants die.
>
> 2008- ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
> Scenario 8:
> Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
> 1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.< /FONT>
> 2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Dede- TamerUniv Novice
- Posts : 63
Join date : 2009-07-13
Age : 31
Location : Georgia/UK
Re: DEDE joke corner
by Dede Thu Jul 23, 2009 11:48 pm
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
A Texan goes into a New York department store to buy a new suit. "Can I ask your chest size?" asks the sales assitant. "54 inches," replies the Texan. "We grow them big in Texas." "And your outside leg?" asks the assistant. "44 inches," replies the man, "We grow them big in Texas." "And if, sir, won't mind me asking about his....?" says the assitant. "Way ahead of you," says the Texan, "It's four inches." "Four inches?" replies the assitant, "I'm bigger than that and I'm from California." "Hold on, sonny," replies the Texan, "In Texas we measure from the ground."
A brunette and a blonde get on to an elevator with a balding gentleman.
The brunette notices flakes on the old guy as he exits on his floor.
Facetiously the brunette turns to the blonde and says,
"Someone should give him some 'Head and Shoulders'"
The blonde thinks on this for a moment and replies,
"How do you give shoulders?"
A blind man walks into a dinner and sits down at a booth. The Waiter walks up to his table.
"What can I get you today?" says the Waiter.
"I have a kind of strange request." says the blind man.
"What’s that?" says the Waiter.
"Can I have the unwashed fork of the person you waited on before me?" says the blind man.
The waiter thinks for a minute.
"Um ok" says the waiter.
The Waiter brings the blind man the fork and the blind man slips it into his mouth. He sucks on it for a short time.
"The meat loaf and mash potatoes are delicious I’ll have that" says the blind man.
The waiter is grossed out but also impressed he was right about the dish. The blind man eats tips very well and leaves. The blind man comes back the next two days in a row with the same request and both times he was correct about the dish of the person before him. The next day when he arrives the Waiter notices him walking in.
"Jenny, Jenny" the Waiter says flagging down a Waitress he works with.
"This time I wanna have some fun with this fun. Here put this into your panties." He says as he hands Jenny a fork. Jenny giggles and does as he asked. He walks but to the table with the fork in hand ready for the blind mans daily request. The blind man as always asks for the fork of the person waited on before him. The Waiter hands him the fork fighting his laughter. The blind man pops in into his mouth.
"hmmmmm." says the blind man sucking the fork for a short time
"I had no idea Jenny worked here!"
A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was
nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope, propped up
prominently on the pillow that was
addressed to Mom. With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my
new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you
would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle
clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the
passion...... Mom, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She
owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We
share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live
nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will
find a cure for
AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry
Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will
be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren..
Love,
Your Son John
P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to
remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my
center desk drawer..
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need
cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed
'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill
your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose
my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
'Well now, that's different.'
'You didn't tell me you had
a prescription.'
There is a blondie rowing a boat in a cornfield, when another blondie sees him and says, "I hate people like you, you make us look stupid. I wish i could swim out there and BEAT YOU UP!!"
Gotta Love the English
Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says with a smile, "Fill it up with water."
A englishman and an american were in a pub cussing each other out and had been doing so for quite sometime when finally the american struck a chord in the englishman and the englishman lost his temper saying, "Your economy is going down the , Your people are rude and getting fat, your youth are degenerating and your last president could hardly speak straight! What do you have that englishmen dont? Nothing! You Americans suck!" The american hung his head low in shame, the englishman took a draught of beer then continued, "but you know... it could be worse." The american lifted his head saying, "How so?" the englishman smiled saying, "You could be a frenchman."
An Englishman, A Frenchman and an American were sitting together on a train. As they rode they went through a tunnel, there was a kissing sound and a smack. Upon exiting the tunnel the American was bewildered, the Frenchman was holding his face now reddened,and The Englishman was grinning. The American thought 'The Frenchman must've tried to kiss the Englishman and got smacked for it.' The Frenchman thought, 'The American must've tried to kiss the Englishman but smacked me on accident.' The Englishman thought, 'This is great, Next time i go through another tunnel I'll make another kissing sound and smack the french bastard another one.'
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
A Texan goes into a New York department store to buy a new suit. "Can I ask your chest size?" asks the sales assitant. "54 inches," replies the Texan. "We grow them big in Texas." "And your outside leg?" asks the assistant. "44 inches," replies the man, "We grow them big in Texas." "And if, sir, won't mind me asking about his....?" says the assitant. "Way ahead of you," says the Texan, "It's four inches." "Four inches?" replies the assitant, "I'm bigger than that and I'm from California." "Hold on, sonny," replies the Texan, "In Texas we measure from the ground."
A brunette and a blonde get on to an elevator with a balding gentleman.
The brunette notices flakes on the old guy as he exits on his floor.
Facetiously the brunette turns to the blonde and says,
"Someone should give him some 'Head and Shoulders'"
The blonde thinks on this for a moment and replies,
"How do you give shoulders?"
A blind man walks into a dinner and sits down at a booth. The Waiter walks up to his table.
"What can I get you today?" says the Waiter.
"I have a kind of strange request." says the blind man.
"What’s that?" says the Waiter.
"Can I have the unwashed fork of the person you waited on before me?" says the blind man.
The waiter thinks for a minute.
"Um ok" says the waiter.
The Waiter brings the blind man the fork and the blind man slips it into his mouth. He sucks on it for a short time.
"The meat loaf and mash potatoes are delicious I’ll have that" says the blind man.
The waiter is grossed out but also impressed he was right about the dish. The blind man eats tips very well and leaves. The blind man comes back the next two days in a row with the same request and both times he was correct about the dish of the person before him. The next day when he arrives the Waiter notices him walking in.
"Jenny, Jenny" the Waiter says flagging down a Waitress he works with.
"This time I wanna have some fun with this fun. Here put this into your panties." He says as he hands Jenny a fork. Jenny giggles and does as he asked. He walks but to the table with the fork in hand ready for the blind mans daily request. The blind man as always asks for the fork of the person waited on before him. The Waiter hands him the fork fighting his laughter. The blind man pops in into his mouth.
"hmmmmm." says the blind man sucking the fork for a short time
"I had no idea Jenny worked here!"
A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was
nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope, propped up
prominently on the pillow that was
addressed to Mom. With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my
new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you
would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle
clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the
passion...... Mom, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She
owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We
share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live
nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will
find a cure for
AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry
Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will
be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren..
Love,
Your Son John
P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to
remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my
center desk drawer..
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need
cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed
'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill
your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose
my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
'Well now, that's different.'
'You didn't tell me you had
a prescription.'
There is a blondie rowing a boat in a cornfield, when another blondie sees him and says, "I hate people like you, you make us look stupid. I wish i could swim out there and BEAT YOU UP!!"
Gotta Love the English
Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says with a smile, "Fill it up with water."
A englishman and an american were in a pub cussing each other out and had been doing so for quite sometime when finally the american struck a chord in the englishman and the englishman lost his temper saying, "Your economy is going down the , Your people are rude and getting fat, your youth are degenerating and your last president could hardly speak straight! What do you have that englishmen dont? Nothing! You Americans suck!" The american hung his head low in shame, the englishman took a draught of beer then continued, "but you know... it could be worse." The american lifted his head saying, "How so?" the englishman smiled saying, "You could be a frenchman."
An Englishman, A Frenchman and an American were sitting together on a train. As they rode they went through a tunnel, there was a kissing sound and a smack. Upon exiting the tunnel the American was bewildered, the Frenchman was holding his face now reddened,and The Englishman was grinning. The American thought 'The Frenchman must've tried to kiss the Englishman and got smacked for it.' The Frenchman thought, 'The American must've tried to kiss the Englishman but smacked me on accident.' The Englishman thought, 'This is great, Next time i go through another tunnel I'll make another kissing sound and smack the french bastard another one.'
Dede- TamerUniv Novice
- Posts : 63
Join date : 2009-07-13
Age : 31
Location : Georgia/UK
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